Baby Steps

Well, here I am blogging for the first time ever -- feel like I'm 12. In a lot of ways, I guess. Trying to get a hold of my life -- so busy, so much going on. Friends are getting neglected, things still to be unpacked, personal biznatch unattended to. My life has gone off in so many new directions all at once, and I am alternately amazed and overwhelmed and grateful and fearful and excited.

There's so much, I don't know where to start. I changed jobs, changed apartments, am living with my boyfriend and we just celebrated our one-year anniversary. Began performing again, this time as an improviser. Really trying to figure out the direction of my life. BBE called me on the fact that my response to many things is "I don't know" -- I no longer know if I really do know and am so cut off from it that I can no longer access the information, or I really DON'T know. Not sure what scares me more. Is it scarier to be cut off from your feelings/opinions, or to have none?

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't know."

"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know"

I'm also overwhelmed because I know I need to make a lot of changes in my life, like starting Pilates again & taking a self-defense course, etc. Overwhelmed because I already feel overwhelmed, and now I think I'm going to add these things into my schedule too? Christ! My dearest friends just had a baby in MAY and I have not seen the child but once. I hate thinking that I have to be scheduled down to the minute, but it's looking more and more like that's what needs to happen. And when I get that tightly scheduled, all I want to do is cancel everything and veg. Maybe I'll get to do a little of that on Labor Day, but I suspect BBE will want to work on the apartment. I do to -- I want that place finally F*ing DONE, but I don't think he gets sometimes that he gets more breaks in his day than I do. He can leave for work at 10am, he can come home for lunch, he can leave work at 5pm. I cannot, so when I get home I sometimes just need to decompress -- for me, that's TV or computer games or napping or whatever. And when there's tons to be done, there's not a lot of value in vegetation.

And I feel him on that -- I just get so caught up in selfishness sometimes. I'm sure having this blog will in no way foster that. LOL. But the bottom line is I do feel better when I am more selfless than selfish -- I get more out of doing the chores I need to do, or making the sacrifice that I choose to make than I ever would from the slacking I did or the thing that I sacrifices. I just need to figure out how to still get done what I need to get done for me. THAT's the piece of the puzzle I can't quite wrap my brain around yet.