Cocksucker Laptop Thief

Someone stole BFE's laptop Saturday night, off his desk at work.

It's such a horrible thing, that hollow panicky feeling you get when things go wrong -- when you lock your keys in your car, or have something stolen, or almost hit something (a dog, another car) while driving. The sensation as your mind tries desperately to rewind and correct what is obviously an error... and then discovers it can't, because This Is Reality.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance: The Five Horsemen of Tragedies Large and Small. When it's something like a laptop or cell phone, add to it Raw Panic -- we live in an age of identity theft, so you're left wondering if they just hocked your merch for money to buy Nyquil and Qtips, or if they're busy buying tickets to the Bahamas.

All I know is: I want to find the person, shove the laptop up his or her ass, and then open it.