Days of speed and slow time mondays

It's so much friendlier with pooh

more cat pictures

I'm not half the man I used to be

Check out Pasta Queen here.

Sleep to dream

So yesterday was a work related event, held at a venue related to a very important black female entrepreneur and talk show host. Can't go into particulars, but her name rhymes with Pope-bra.

Anyway, it was a big tented hoo-hah next to her studio, and it was Hotter. Than. Balls. I made the egregious error of drinking two glasses of chardonnay, and at about 8pm became non-functional due to the extreme heat, chronic smiling, and minimal alcohol. My husband and I drove around aimlessly looking for food, then went home, laid on the bed, and passed out til this morning. Bliss. Only weird part: I had a sex(-ish) dream about a co-worker, who then coincidentally was in the office today and I had to talk to him. Luckily by then the magic was gone.

A little too ironic

The 'car title loan' shop down the street from my apartment closed down. Left in the dead of night.

Isn't it ironic?

...that they did not have a Dos Equis shirt available in a 2X?

We'd hear it from the people of the town, they'd call us

So on tonight's charter, Stila was there doing makeup demonstrations. Normally only the passengers get to do this, but there was a spare moment, so I got all tarted up. Literally. I looked like a Russian gypsy.

When I got home, I told BHE I'd been demonstrated on. He said "Oh, I was wondering why you looked so...." While he searched for a safe word-choice, I supplied "Whore-y?" His response? "I was going to say 'overly made-up' but 'whore-y' works."

Lesson? Do not let them do a makeup demonstration on you in low light.

Oh beautiful...

RIP, George. Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for dying of a heart attack so as to further prove to the world that you don't get sick since you were "steeped in raw sewage" as a child. Although it came out when I was two, the AM/FM album was the one I grew up listening to, and as such, I give you this:

What a great triple play

Lucky me, one of my favorite movie musicals was on this morning...

Freedom run away

Another one for my assistant, whom I introduced to Urinetown yesterday at work...

I see your true colors

So I'm back on the box color, or should I say I fell back off the box color wagon? Feeling like my hair is ratty and too light and in need of a change, so bought two boxes of this fine product (color: cinnamon stick) at Ulta on the way home. Actually, BHE bought them for me, along with various other treats, both at Ulta and at Borders. So this weekend will be an experiment in terror, to see if this color will look half as hot on me (a fat, terminally-caucasian 38 year old) as on this 20-something latina. Stay tuned, America.

Cat scratch fever

Oh my god, I so completely want a Savannah cat...


Or a Bengal...

Dancing barefoot

She knows how to use them

Rocket, I'm taking a rocket

For my assistant, who today (when Tracy Morgan came up in conversation), said "On SNL, do you remember that one thing he used to do...?"

My response? "Astronaut Jones?"


By the way, that was indeed the right answer. :)

Burning out his fuse up here alone

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hancock_(film)

Hancock had been reviewed by the Motion Picture Association of America twice and has both times received an R rating instead of the makers' preferred PG-13 rating to target broader audiences. Questionable elements for the MPAA included Smith's character drinking in front of a 17-year-old and the character flying under the influence of alcohol.

So, if you are an otherworldly omnipotent dude (or dudette) that can fly, and are under the age of 17, the MPAA just saved your ass from being exposed to the potentially harmful image of one of your peers flying under the influence. Ask your superhero mom or dad to take you to the film, and have a nice discussion with them afterward about the great responsibility that comes with great power. Oh, and don't do drugs, kids.

I heard it on my radio

Oh, I love to eat it every day

more cat pictures

All is well but not for me

So an impromptu visit to Brazzaz tonight has led to some super-sexy food poisoning. I've been alternating between sleeping and pooping. Add crying, and I've officially been infantilized by Brazilians. Word.

Don't get caught with your pants down

[Scene: An actual conversation I had at work today...]

HIM: What's the dress code for this one?

ME: Clothed.

H: You'd like them to wear clothes?

M: Preferably.

H: That might be a problem. You see, Ruben is allergic to pants.

M: Oooooh... Kilt?

H: He wears a grass skirt.

M: Can we get him a kilt?

H: I can ask...

M: Maybe something tasteful, in black, or perhaps a nice cocktail gown?

H: I'll talk to him.

Until Tuesday everything is Tuesday

Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music

So, because of the recent salmonella scare, most local and many national restaurants are not serving tomatoes. And no one is more sad about that than I. Oh, wait... NOT sad! No one is more NOT sad. And a double negative is proof positive: I HATE TOMATOES.

Basically, right now it's like Xmas and Mardi Gras and my birthday all rolled into one. I can roam the streets naked, fearing not the gaze of a nearby tomato-y stare. Love love LOVE it. Yes, I will have those tacos! Sure, bring me that salad! A burger with the works? Don't mind if I do!

The sheer liberation involved in not having to special order items anymore? Of not having to ask "Does that have tomatoes on it?" It makes me giddy. Oh, I know one day the tomatoes will return... and they will bring reinforcements. But until that day? Oh until that day I will order with reckless abandon, knowing that I, at least for now, am safe.

Even when I'm with my Boo

You're everything I wish I could be

THRILLIST Nation

Friday Jun 6, 2008

You Are a Miserable Excuse For a Hero

The beauty of Choose Your Own Adventures is that any wrong decision can be fixed by flipping back a few pages -- but being for kids, their other life lessons all seem to involve magical dinosaurs. Jump into an age-appropriate story, with You Are a Miserable Excuse For a Hero!

Penned by comedian Bob Powers, Hero's variable-path narrative loyally apes the CYOA structure, but casts you as an angsty commitment-phobe who spends too much time in bars/under ex-girlfriends' sheets. After you get a call from guys who've kidnapped a girl you went on a single date with, you're faced with the horrifying possibility that things are getting serious too quickly. Deal with that, then encounter other everyman decisions like:

• If you want to try to alleviate the guilt by going to Gambler's anonymous meetings, go to page 187
• If you want to live with the guilt and drop out of your life and go sell candles and sh*t like that, go to page 50

• If you want to climb onto the fire escape to knock on the old Italian abortionist's window, go to page 141
• If you want to find out what life would have been like if you'd never been born, go to page 137

• If you want to track down whoever made this recording, go to page 158
• If you're curious what it's like to watch yourself masturbate and want to press play again, go to page 131

As you jump through chapters like "Be the Money Shot" and "Wedding Day at the Safe House", you'll encounter dead best friends, appear on the cover of People, and get tazed at an orgy en route to more than 30 endings -- some so horrifying, you'll wish you'd chosen to stick with magical dinosaurs.

Bela Lugosi's dead

"Vampire" peacock beaten to death by man

A man attacked a peacock that was found wandering about a fast-food restaurant, according to the Associated Press.

A peacock, a few years old, wandered into the parking lot of a Burger King, located in the New York borough of Staten Island and made itself comfy on the hood of a car. Employees were feeding him bread when the irate man appeared, grabbed the Bird by its neck, and threw it to the ground. He proceeded to kick and stomp the bird, beating it so fiercely that most of its tail feathers fell out. The bird had to be euthanized, according to Richard Gentles, who is a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.

"It's just unbelievable that someone would do something to a poor, defenseless animal and do it in such a cruel fashion," he said.

Worker Felicia Finnegan, 19, stated that "He was going crazy." When he was asked why he was doing it, the man said, "I'm killing a vampire!"

Employees of the fast-food restaurant called the police, but when they arrived, the man ran. The attacker is in his teens or early 20's, and is being looked for by authorities.

No one knows how the bird got into the parking lot, but a resident of Staten Island who raises peacocks said that he had given some peacocks to someone who happened to live nearby the restaurant.

Happy, happy birthday baby

BHE's 35th birthday today...we're celebrating with lobster and martinis and air conditioning. :)

They call me Fred

Bye bye baby, baby bye-bye.

Harvey Korman died this week, sadly. I loved how, on the reunion specials they did in recent years, it was divulged that the Carol Burnett Show cast and crew used to bet on how long into a scene it would take for Harvey to break, and specifically for Tim to break him. This one is approx 1:30...

Come and knock on my door...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7428955.stm

It's hard to be the diva